Tuesday, August 09, 2005

The Quest for me to kick my worst habit

Nope it’s not the nail biting or my apathy for tidying up my home. Its smoking. Next Monday, I am getting a tooth pulled (feel free to bring me flowers and ice cream ha-ha).
They advised my not to smoke for a week - starting on Monday because I can get dry socket.
3 years ago, when I got one of my wisdom teeth pulled, I was advised the same thing and I waited I think a whole 8 hours before lighting up(5 of those 8 hours I was sleeping).

And yes my automatic reaction is to think "well I'll do what I did last time; not finish the cigarettes and smoke 90% less than usual". But another side of me is like why you don’t take this opportunity that will be to just attempt quitting because fear #2 is gaining weight and for first few days I probably won't eat much anyway. But fear #1 is having major mood swings, being mean to people and being short for more than a day. That bothers me. What is totally dumb and not logical (so therefore out of character) is wouldn't my friends and family rather have me alive and a little snippy for a few weeks than have me be the typical person I am but with a shorter life span? Somehow I don't buy it. And I suppose that’s an indirect, non personal insult to everyone who cares about me.

I mean I know Bi polar people who everyone puts up with and they are like that FOREVER. Most pregnant women are not the easiest bunch to deal with (no offense Lori, I don't think you are bad :).But the point is, if I know that people can put up with moody, hormonal pregnant chicks and bi polar people, why am I doubting the ability to put up with me as I go through withdrawal?

Answer: 1) I am too hard on myself. 2) In general, no one wants to deal with that stuff for too long.

Prior to this dental situation where I might be forced to give up the habit;at least for a few days- I have only imagined being able and willing to quit to get pregnant. I personally, wouldn't get pregnant out of wedlock. Since I don't know what life has in store for me, maybe I shouldn't rely on that being the time, if it ever comes. I just liked the fact that 1) its a super good reason and 2) you are already hormonal and gaining weight so my two main fears from quitting wouldn't be a concern.

In terms of trying to quit next week and long term, I am trying to remember the horrible 2 week cold I had last month, trying to remind myself that its not the end of the world to be moody and erratic -although its an unusual world..thats for sure. And anyone who knows me knows I wouldn't use it as an excuse to be mean...but I guess as independent and self sufficient as I am, attempting to give up an addiction that has been with me for 8 years, that has been my safety (ironic choice of words) net throughout all the stress in my life; I cannot imagine trying to say goodbye to cigarettes alone and I feel that if I had withdrawal and was moody, it would be more difficult for people to be supportive.

I am super proud of my dad,(who I love very much) a smoker of over 40 years - he quit a few years ago. Luckily I didn't live at home when he finally quit and didn't have to bear the moods he was in. But I remember 6 years ago, when I lived at home and he tried to quit . I had never been so angry and upset by him. I think its incredibly disrespectful to call your parents a curse word - and I even said to him, once while he was Mr. Mean Person, "You are acting like a real asshole" because it was unbearable to deal with the way he was and the things he'd say and I am pretty strong person. So maybe I shouldn't think of that as my only frame of reference because quite frankly my dad makes the father from The Wonder Years appear jovial.

I don't know if I have what it takes to quit for at least a week, as recommended by the dentist; let alone forever but I think I am going to try since I have multiple reasons to try to quit. And if I cannot go more than 2 days, maybe it'll at least be a stepping stone to show myself I can go without my beloved nicotine.

And if no one wants to talk to me, I'll just vent on my blog. LOL